And here is the rest of it.
Yeah, I haven't updated as much as I promised I would. Reasons are two fold. For one, work and school are keeping me busy (though not to busy to work out thankfully) and secondly and more important, I really haven't had much to update about in the past few days. I'm continuing my workout routines, as well as the push up challenge. I actually been doing each week of said challenge twice, since one week wasn't working out very well for me. Apart from that, there hadn't been much to write about. Till this weekend at least...though sadly enough it's not the happiest of my posts.
Two things happened this week that got me thinking. They where both pretty small really, but I do have a tendency to over think things as it is. So what where they?
First, there was me getting shot down by a girl in a bus stop. Not a big deal for most I'm sure, but one of the biggest flaws I have been trying to work on is my lack of confidence and self steem. It's not easy when for 20+ years I thought of myself as a loser, and one that no girl would even glance at in a good way. So it did take some prodding from myself to try to talk to this particular girl, which I actually have in one of my classes. I started generically enough, asking her how she liked the class, and asking some other random questions. She wasn't rude or anything..but I got the feeling that I was the one keeping the conversation going (a feeling I HATE), and she couldn't care less. So I stopped trying, and felt like an idiot afterwards on the ride to my car.
Secondly was going swimming with the guys yesterday. I actually hadn't gone swimming in years, so it was a nice opportunity, specially with the weather. The problem is my psoriasis. Its something I gotten used to over the years, and luckily enough thanks to some medication, it's not very noticible usually when I'm wearing my regular clothing. Without a shirt though, there's a part on my side that's really noticible, and just looks weird. Then there's a couple of specks here and there along my back. I'm horribly embarassed about them, and actually dread the day when I have to show them to a significant other (Guess there's one good thing about being single..) so it meant wearing a shirt inside the pool.
Then I also noticed that although I'm not as a big and fat as I used to be, I'm still in bad shape compared with my friends. That just made me even more self consious and depressed. And that leads to that voice in the back of my head asking a question that I heard before "Is it worth it?". Is it worth going to the gym after school instead of relaxing a home? Denying myself those urges of pigging out? As much as I love the changes in my life my weight loss has given me, the things that still bother me remain, and seem to be staying for a looong time.
Luckily enough I know better than to listen to those questions. I'm not going to stop working out, as I never want to return to what I used to be. I just wish I didn't have to ask myself that question still.
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